tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post2803788536892529778..comments2023-07-08T10:48:38.190-04:00Comments on my goodly heritage: Diary of a Mad Housewife (with apologies to Patricia Williams)Martahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-58604730814524372582009-02-18T20:17:00.000-05:002009-02-18T20:17:00.000-05:00Cat: I'm sure you are right, and really the bigge...Cat: I'm sure you are right, and really the bigger issue was my own discomfort, until fairly recently, with answering "I'm a homemaker" and feeling like that was enough. I'm terrible at small talk myself, so I'm a fine one to criticize!<BR/><BR/>Alice: It will be a fine day when vocation and money don't have to go hand in hand! In the mean time, I hope you are enjoying your work, even if you don't loving answering the "what do you do" question!<BR/><BR/>Amanda: I've been feeling sort of bad about this story every since I posted it, because I really do know how hard that work/family balance is, especially for academic women, and *especially* for academic women in male-dominated fields. You're a more charitable soul than I am, lol!Martahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-32017735413138222332009-02-18T13:10:00.000-05:002009-02-18T13:10:00.000-05:00Hi! I came here via The Modernity Ward. I am a h...Hi! I came here via The Modernity Ward. I am a homemaker and have a 20 mo. old, and have experienced the same things. One thing that I thought to add into the mix, though, was the issues wrapped up in being a professor, especially a math professor (only 30% of PhDs granted since 1999 have been to women). The academic world does not always allow for women to be women all that much, and the freedom to have a child and keep your career do not always coincide. For example, one of my female mentors was told that another woman "who was completely dedicated to her job" fit the position better, with the understanding that, as a parent, her interests and abilities were somehow lessened. A recently married female friend who is applying to grad school was told not to tell anyone that she might be pregnant because noone would look at her application. Children are not seen as assets in academia, in my own experiences as a PhD candidate. I don't deny that she really *does* seem to come off in the way you describe, but there could very well be something else there behind the brush-off. Like envy. Or despair. It may be hard to show interest in something that you have deliberately tried to talk yourself out of ever wanting if it might possibly be seen to interfere with "academic achievement". The joke in my old field was that, for women, only Virgin Scholars ever made it.mandaleihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14999977102528130703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-58033033602474207612009-02-18T12:24:00.000-05:002009-02-18T12:24:00.000-05:00Thank you for this, and MAN, that woman is a piece...Thank you for this, and MAN, that woman is a piece of work. I never thought I'd have to deal with these questions when I was listening to my mother lament the lack of options for the 'what do you do' question. However, here I sit, having followed my academic partner, with volunteer work composing the majority of my activity while he holds down the financial end of things. <BR/><BR/>It's wonderful to hear your well-thought out opinions on this, especially as I'm not fully comfortable with my answers to that question yet. I still keep hoping that a movement for small talk based around what we *enjoy* as opposed to what we're paid for will take off someday. Until then, I'll just take solace in hearing about others' experiences.alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03182612141561309090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-61057633968706948062009-02-18T06:56:00.000-05:002009-02-18T06:56:00.000-05:00I had this question recently at a nursery school f...I had this question recently at a nursery school fundraiser. Asking people what they do is a badic question one asks strangers because... I can't think of much else beyond that and where they live/grew up. Then I feel like somehow I'm offending the moms who are with the kids? I don't really have follow-up questions on that, though I'm always up for exchanging kid stories. <BR/><BR/>To be honest, no one is interested enough to ask follow-up questions about my paid job either. Which is fine because I don't feel like talking about it much outside if the office. And my husband feels men turn away from him because his career is not in finance or very businessy and he doesn't watch or play sports. <BR/><BR/>Maybe small talk with strangers is just hard.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-84170636626382879872009-02-08T11:28:00.000-05:002009-02-08T11:28:00.000-05:00You know, I'm not sure if that essay of Mom's ever...You know, I'm not sure if that essay of Mom's ever did get published, I'll have to ask. She is a proud and determined Luddite who refuses to use computers, so if it wasn't published, it only exists in hard copy. Maybe, just maybe, she'll allow me or Dad put it online, but if not, I'll get a hard copy to send you. My folks are well, thanks for asking. Dad understands matters of the heart quite well, I'd say, I'm glad to know he was a comfort to you when poetry was hitting you in some tender spots.Patrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10556860299477514075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-1966583530921034842009-02-06T13:22:00.000-05:002009-02-06T13:22:00.000-05:00claire: you are the ALL TIME BEST. i rarely feel ...claire: you are the ALL TIME BEST. i rarely feel so well understood as i do by you. it means a LOT. xoxoMartahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-87863955268165553732009-02-06T13:21:00.000-05:002009-02-06T13:21:00.000-05:00kate: I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE BACK!!! i love th...kate: I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE BACK!!! i love this picture sooooo much, miss that baby girl of mine. hope you're feeling well.Martahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-39459057070632243872009-02-05T17:08:00.000-05:002009-02-05T17:08:00.000-05:00marta- love readin your blog. and of course, lov...marta- love readin your blog. and of course, love that your hugging my little rubes in the pic! so, i'm thinking about saying i'm a house wife. i mean - what is that?! was i an out-of-the-house wife before? the ladies out here like to say they are SAHMs. i thought it was some kind of east asian ethnicity at first and then realized- aha- i'm one too..... i'm so glad that life is feeling sane and happy (and snowy!) for you. looking forward yo joing you in it soon!Kate OSheahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05876992040481714703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-90689928220946558902009-02-04T19:06:00.000-05:002009-02-04T19:06:00.000-05:00Eric: I bet! And thanks for your kind words. Btw...Eric: I bet! And thanks for your kind words. Btw, I've always thought I totally missed my calling as a pastor's wife. Not as a co-pastor (isn't that what you and your wife do?), which seems to me a totally cool way to strike a work/family balance and keep everyone who wants to work happy. But I *don't* want to "work" in the traditional sense. I'm talking about a traditional pastor's wife: singing in the choir, extending hospitality, serving as theological sounding board, raising kids.... sounds like the best of all worlds to me!Martahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-85311872273462778002009-02-04T16:48:00.000-05:002009-02-04T16:48:00.000-05:00Marta this is an absolutely wonderful post! I lov...Marta this is an absolutely wonderful post! I love it. BTW, a close second to "homemaker" as conversation killer is "pastor".Erichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00407131740895072914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-91177711731235509032009-02-02T14:44:00.000-05:002009-02-02T14:44:00.000-05:00Patrick: yes, that's exactly it! Acting, like home...Patrick: yes, that's exactly it! Acting, like homemaking, is not really work unless you get paid for it, right? You're just pursuing a hobby, which is all fine and well, and who wouldn't like more time for their hobbies, but most of us are too busy doing read jobs, and by the way: get a real job! That's the message, isn't it? But if you're getting paid, suddenly it's a real job.... sigh.<BR/><BR/>I know I'm incredibly fortunate that we don't need a second income. That's a combination of good choices on our part, and incredible generosity on the part of our families. But since we don't, why should I do something I don't love, just to get paid?<BR/><BR/>I would love to read you mom's essay. Was it every published? How are your parents, by the way. I only had one class with him (Poetry), and I remember bursting into tears in the middle of class because someone had just broken my heart, and the poems were just toooooo much! He was very kind to me, then and on several other occasions that I recall quite distinctly.Martahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-80144116867552719872009-02-02T11:47:00.000-05:002009-02-02T11:47:00.000-05:00Oh so much wonderful stuff in this essay, my Dear....Oh so much wonderful stuff in this essay, my Dear. Several years ago my mom wrote an essay titled "The Feminist Housewife". The first editor she sent it to said "that's a contradiction in terms." <BR/><BR/>I get a version of this when I tell people I'm an actor. Often the first question they will ask is "you mean you get paid for it?" Seriously. In other words, they're trying to decide if THEY think I'm an actor. <BR/><BR/>I feel very lucky to have grown up with two parents doing work they loved, and saw as vocations. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what a good cook and nutritionist my mom was,for example. I just thought meals were something you enjoyed with your loved ones. <BR/><BR/>Vocation, and its relationship to money is a big issue for me. <BR/><BR/>You've given me some good stuff to think about. I look forward to more in this series.Patrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10556860299477514075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-8792365316097076552009-01-31T00:27:00.000-05:002009-01-31T00:27:00.000-05:00What will the nice math prof say when someone offe...What will the nice math prof say when someone offers you a mainstream press book contract for your superkickass blog writing?<BR/> I am wondering whether it was the shame of it that shut her down. Like you are doing so many important things in the world -- things with tangible and living effects -- and she is going to committee meetings.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-23831177487042074632009-01-30T22:46:00.000-05:002009-01-30T22:46:00.000-05:00juie: sorry love-bug, but that was not so much a t...juie: sorry love-bug, but that was not so much a treat.... let's try a do-over soon!<BR/><BR/>Eos: It's only been very recently that I've taken the "just" out of my answer, as in, "I'm just a homemaker." Thing is, I find this soooo much more fulfilling than much of what I have tried to do outside the home, and sooooo much saner than all the stuff I did that actually felt meaningful. It helps if you love it! I'm looking forward to browsing your blog!<BR/><BR/>Melissa: get a job, woman! ;-) but really, life is too short to spend much time doing anything dull.Martahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14494813731003889158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-459080551157098392009-01-30T20:55:00.000-05:002009-01-30T20:55:00.000-05:00Michael likes to call me the COO of Gonzalez, Inc....Michael likes to call me the COO of Gonzalez, Inc. It's a funny way to describe what I do.<BR/>I do find it pretty dull, though. All things considered, I'd just as soon have a (paying) job. <BR/>Interesting stuff, Marta, keep it coming!Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02514055311027146205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-63208785916649034792009-01-30T20:39:00.000-05:002009-01-30T20:39:00.000-05:00I've been thinking about this for quite a while to...I've been thinking about this for quite a while too except that, unlike you, I'm still not quite as comfortable...maybe if I practice saying it several times I'll be more comfortable with it! I get mildly defensive when I respond to the "and what do you do?" question (actually...I dread it!)and then get mad at myself for feeling that way (like I have to justify all I do). Thing is...I too enjoy being one but have this nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be out there...you know...getting paid!LOLzunzunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01202160546231144260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3550180966906196055.post-80337520657624793172009-01-30T15:55:00.000-05:002009-01-30T15:55:00.000-05:00Extra bon-bons for you, my dear...you write as wel...Extra bon-bons for you, my dear...you write as well as you drywall, and with as much attention to craft. Let's eat out for supper--my treat.Julie Steinerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13143617391722769452noreply@blogger.com